No Time for Sex? How Much Time Does it Really Take Anyway?!

By Julie Sibert | Sex & Family Planning

Jun 22

My husband and I have had some fairly incredible lovemaking sessions.

I mean, off-the-charts “I think the neighbors can probably hear us by now” lovemaking.

no-time-for-sexAnd even those sexual episodes of “my-world-has-been rocked” have not lasted hours.

Nope.  It would probably be a stretch to say they lasted an hour.

My point?

If the “no time for sex” argument seems to be a constant in your home, you likely are missing out on incredible sex that can be had in less than 20 minutes.

I would even go so far as to say in some marriages, most of the sex that happens is quickie sex (or at least within close proximity of quickie sex).

And that’s not a bad thing.

Sure, long drawn-out lovemaking has its place and I savor those encounters tremendously.

But if my husband and I were banking on those types of encounters to sustain our sexual intimacy, we’d be taking a huge risk with the health of our marriage.

Are you always waiting for ideal conditions to make love to your spouse? Are you always waiting for more time?

If so, you might be missing out on a lot of great sex.

Ideal conditions are hard to come by in the lives of most married couples, what with the messy houses, chaotic calendars, demanding jobs, and whiny (uh, I mean adorable) children.

Ironically, that crazy “I can’t even see straight” life you’re living most days would likely become more enjoyable and bearable if you nurtured sexual intimacy in the midst of it – rather than wait for the chaos to subside.

Seem impossible?

It’s not.

But you have to be willing to walk in that direction.  Have a heart-to-heart chat with your spouse about what it would take to make love more often – rather than put it off until you “have more time.”

A huge bonus is that when you learn to arouse each other and connect sexually when time is in short supply, you’ll be laying a good foundation for those more drawn-out sexual encounters.

(Laying. A. Good. Foundation. See how I worked that in?)

When I hear people say they have no time for sex, I don’t usually believe them. My heart is in the right place, though.  What I really hear behind the “no time for sex” is “we haven’t figured out how to have great sex in 20 minutes.”

So how do you figure that out?

Well, I offer these three tips:

1. Remember that sex is one of the best things you can do for your marriage.

I know, this seems like I’m over-generalizing a bit, but it’s true. Nurtured sexual intimacy softens a husband and wife toward each other, better equips them to do life, and helps them be intimate in ways beyond the bedroom.

2. Rely on the sexual techniques that are a sure thing.

Obviously, I have no idea what turns your spouse on.  But I am guessing you do.

When you don’t have a lot of time, make a dash toward the sexual touches and repertoire that your spouse most enjoys.

3. Focus on the connection, not the orgasm.

Hey, I like an intense orgasm as much as the next person, but I also know that sex is not all about climaxing.  It’s also about being exclusively and emotionally connected with the person you love.

(I also think the intense physical pleasure is more likely to happen the more we practice, so to speak — the more we communicate well on what will help us climax. I have an entire page on my site with posts about orgasm.)

If you are not accustomed to spontaneous and/or quick sex in your marriage, remember that this is a learned behavior.  Give yourself and your spouse grace and encouragement to grow in this aspect.

You can become each other’s champion for healthy sexual intimacy in your relationship, where you both have the freedom and enthusiasm to initiate and engage sexually.

But whatever you do, don’t keep falling back on “there is not enough time” for sex.

There is enough time.

 

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